Portland and Austin both like to “Keep It Weird.” They both have “Keep (name of city you’re in) Weird” T-shirts and magnets and neon green booty shorts.[1] Austin was definitely first. But that doesn’t necessarily mean Austin has been more successful.

To determine which place keeps it weirder, I’ve employed the scientific method:  I lived in Austin for 23 years, visited Portland for 4 days, then did a few minutes of Internet Research with a Fast and the Furious movie on in the background. Here’s what I found:

* Vegan-ness--Both places are vegan friendly, but I stumbled onto more vegan desert joints in downtown Portland then I ever could in the heart of Austin—Advantage Portland.

* Coffee—Each place has their share of local coffee spots. But downtown Portland has a place called Deadstock Coffee. The phrase “Coffee Should Be Dope”, which is true, is painted on the wall outside the door. It’s basically a hole in the wall decorated with old Nike basketball kicks and circa-1998 NBA action figures like New York Knick Latrell Sprewell. Mobb Depp was playing on the sound system.[2] 90s hip hop, hoops, and high quality coffee. Makes sense to me. And the oat milk latee was dope. Austin has a place called “Work” that has espresso and leather goods. It gets solid Yelp reviews but basketball + hip-hop > leather. Advantage Portland.

* Beautiful People—both Portland and Austin are known as outdoorsy places, but Austin has the decided advantage in fit-looking people. Go to downtown Austin, you see hot men and women jogging around Town Lake and showing off their glistening, sculpted bodies. Sure, there are attractive folks in downtown Portland, but we saw similar numbers of massive people walking in packs while staring down at their phones. They’d apparently shed their X-Box headsets to ascend into daylight for a semi-annual match of Pokémon Go.  I didn’t see much actual flannel in Portland but there’s a flannel mentality, whereas Austin has a strong lake-bod-and-swimsuit-culture. Hotness Advantage-Austin. Weirdness Advantage-Portland.  

* Beer—Both places have plenty of craft beer spots but I’d give a Slight Edge to Portland. Lots of quality microbrews and I tasted only good stuff at the Deschutes’ taproom. Plus, even after we made a two hour roadie to the shore, there were still craft breweries! Good luck finding that in coastal Texas.

* Gas—Oregon is one of 2 states (along with New Jersey) where it’s illegal to pump your own gas—the attendant does it. That’s some weird shit we don’t have in Austin. Advantage Portland.  

* Diversity—There isn’t amazing representation of Asians or African Americans in either city[3], but the African American percentage goes way down if you expand to include the suburbs in Portland, whereas for the Austin aea, it stays about the same. Also, Austin has the big advantage in Hispanic Population at about 33% to 10%. Diversity is nice for many reasons, but especially for food. I tried some Tex Mex in Portland—it was solid, but nowhere near Cen-Tex levels. And while I’ve never seen a Muslim woman in a hijab driving a cab in Austin like I did in downtown Portland, this one is still Advantage Austin.  

* Celebrated creatures—Austin promotes bats. You can go to the Congress Bridge at sunset downtown and watch them fly around. Portland promotes Big Foot, who’s out there… somewhere. You want to find him, you gotta do the work. Advantage Portland.

* Legal Marijuana —Exists in Oregon—you can go right into a store and buy it. This is not a thing in Texas. Advantage Portland.

* Scenery--Austin has some scenic spots--Town Lake and Lake Travis (outside city limits) among them and the city is greener people from outside of Texas may think—but Portland is all big hills and pines. The views from the grounds of the historic Pittock mansion, overlooking the city, are awesome. Advantage PDX.  

* Music—Portland has one of the best live music scenes in the country with around 100 live music venues, but so does Austin with around 200 according to semi-recent figures . Just for fun, let’s call it a tie and break it with radio stations.  Austin has 98.9 KUTX, a format-busting station that plays Weezer and Willie, the Beastie Boys and the Beatles, the Rolling Stones and the Ramones, Father John Misty and Kendrick Lamar, and mixes it all together like they know what they’re doing. If Portland has something similar, I never found it. Instead we were stuck driving around Oregon with the streaming vault of mediocrity that is Sirius Radio as our soundtrack.  Advantage ATX.

* Funky Tours—In Austin, you can take a bat tour, or a do tour of the State Capitol in Austin. In Portland you can do a tour of the Portland Underground—haunted, interconnected basements that were used for lots of evil and illicit activity…if you believe the tour guide. (Go with it if you want—the Portland Underground was real, but the tour is mostly bullshit. Portland also has….Bigfoot Tours. We did not have time for that one, so not sure if you actually go out into the woods or just wind up in the basement of some large-footed, occasional Pokémon Go-er. Either way, Big Advantage Portland.

[1] Guessing on that 3rd one.

[2] And it wasn’t Shook Ones Part II either. It was Thug Musik.

[3] Both groups are in the 7% to 8% range in both places.