I hate lines at the grocery store. But I like that they give me time to catch up on “entertainment news”. People Magazine is usually staring me in the face, so I might as well find out what the hell Priscilla Presley’s been up to. But lately I’ve noticed a disturbing trend at the check-out. Celebrity gossip is getting replaced with prepper magazines.

So what the hell’s a prepper? Webster’s Dictionary defines a prepper as “a person who gathers materials and makes plans in preparation for surviving a major disaster or cataclysm such as a worldwide economic collapse or war.”  “Preppers” are different from “Survivalists”, who Webster’s defines as “Hunters who just take that shit too far.”

Why are prepper magazines replacing entertainment news? Because prepping’s gone mainstream, baby. Preppers used to just be Republicans who thought X-Files was real. But then Trump got elected. And a lot of Democrats who thought X-Files was just a show started building bunkers and jarring up hummus.

PreppingNews.com estimates that there are 5 million preppers in the US. Which would explain why they're selling $6,000 prepper kits at Costco. There's no cool Rambo shit—just canned food, and let’s face it, Costco shoppers lean toward bulk items to begin with, but still seems like kind of a big deal.

What if these developments represent a larger trend? A canary in the coal mine of our collective consciousness. A moment we look back on and say “Ah, yes. We knew what was about to happen.”  But let’s just say the world does end. I’m still gonna need to know who Betty White and Keith Richards are dating. Especially if it's each other.

You might think some of those anti-vaxxxer types would have relaxed their prepping once Trump got elected. But apparently, thanks to helpful blogs like this , they know that even with the very stable genius’s steady hand, Revelations could still rev the hell up.

I should be concerned. But you know what concerns me? That the End Times ain’t gonna be shit without some hard-hitting famous people news. So please, no matter the hellscape, please keep those ageless J-Lo and Liz Hurley bikini pics coming. And let me know how the fascinating Scott Disick is coping with fire and brimstone. And speaking of fascinating[1], please tell me if Spencer Pratt still has his humming bird empire. If so, put me down for an order of ‘how many ya got?’. ‘Cause when shit hits the fan, what’s more comforting than a noisy pet bird? Plus it just feels good to support The Pratt Boy, even if money’s a little tight due to a global financial collapse. 

Contemplating something so horrible reminds you what's truly important. Like finding out why Fergie is divorcing Josh Duhamel when he’s the one who makes awesome Taco Bell ads and she’s the one who ruined the National Anthem. And what's up with this Kitt Harrington rehab thing? If holding hands with tall blondes who are most definitely not your wife is part of rehab, well maybe I’ve finally reached the point where I’m ready to develop a debilitating addiction.

My point is this: I need my grocery line research time. I require it to truly understand the world. The world coming to an end in no way changes that.

[1] I sometime confuse the words “fascinating” and “vapid”