The very first private eye was a French guy who was born in 1775 named Francois-Eugene Vidocq. As with most legendary figures, it's difficult to tell what is real, what's exaggerated, and what's total bullshit. But it's safe to say Vidocq led a life of crime before evolving into a PI. We also know he eventually grew some pretty out of control sideburns.

But don’t let the disheveled grandpa look fool you. It seems Vidocq was actually pretty ruthless, at least in his younger days.

Some of the stuff on his wiki page has to be made up, but let’s just go with it. Here are the highlights.  

Francois was a rich kid who grew up with a silver spoon in his mouth. His family had silver plates too, so at age 13, he stole said plates and went on a spending spree. He got busted and his dad had him sent to jail for a couple of weeks to teach him a lesson. But the only lesson he learned was….don't get caught. Because at 14, Francois robbed his parents’ bakery. He then tried to head off to America, but then he got jacked and wound up having to work for a group of traveling entertainers. “Despite regular beatings, he worked hard enough to get promoted from stable boy to playing a Caribbean cannibal who eats raw meat.”   

Try leveling up like that off LinkedIn.

Due to some creative differences, Vidocq left his cannibal gig and made the obvious move to puppeteering. Unfortunately, he and the head puppeteer had creative differences over Vidocq trying to get down with the puppet master’s wife. So the V-Man bounced and joined the military.

In the army, Vidocq became an expert fencer, got waaay into dueling, and killed some dudes—I’m assuming for talkin’ shit, possibly about the V-Man continuing to perform puppet shows to entertain the troops. My own, poorly conducted, possibly completely fabricated research leads me to conclude that Vidocq demanded satisfaction after his manhood was questioned due to his puppet voices, which were extremely high-pitched, even by French puppeteer standards.

Anyways, Vidocq was actually doing pretty well in the army until he challenged a superior officer to a duel and then smacked him when he declined. Fearing the consequences, Vidocq deserted, but kept on rockin’ the solider uni. And he started getting thrown in jail on a regular basis—first for running cons based on pretending to still be in the army, and then for allegedly beating up his ex and her new man.  But he just used jail for networking and acquire new skills, which lets you know French jail was kind of the LinkedIn of its time. Jail is where F-Vid learned savate, which is a form of French foot-fighting where you leave your boots on and mix in some open-hand slaps.

In early 19th century Paris, the population was exploding, crime was up, and police resources were spread thin. So the cops relied on criminal informants to solve cases. Vidocq grew tired of all the trips to the pokey, so just before he turned 34, he decided to make a career change.

The fact that he knew lots of cops helped land him an interview, so he put on his best blue tie, made tremendous eye contact, and answered the “greatest weakness” question in the cleverest way possible—”kittens”— and bam! Vidocq had an exciting new job as a criminal informant!  But he wasn’t your garden variety snitch; F-Vid was more of a spy. He wore disguises and assumed fake identities. A lot like Fletch.

In 1811, Vidocq got a big promotion and opened the first ever plainclothes detective office within the Paris police department. There, he’s credited with pioneering Crime Scene Investigation techniques like ballistics, shoe-printing, and the art of removing your sunglasses before saying something straight-up cold. He also visited jails to use his Sean Spencer-like photographic memory to memorize crooks’ faces. He mostly employed other criminals because they understood the criminal mind. Plus they all had kids in the same daycare.  

After a 22 year run, the police suddenly decided they weren’t cool with ex-crook detectives, and forced Vidocq out. So in 1833, the ex-criminal, ex-cop starts his own agency. And the private eye is born.

As a PI, Vicocq continued solving crimes and making money, but kept clashing with the cops. It’s unclear if he was actually dirty or the cops was just hatin’. Either way, Vidocq published memoirs and became pals with French writing legends Alexandre Dumas and Victor Hugo. Dirty or not, Vidocq’s legend grew. He became the basis for characters in Les Mis and other stories. He even inspired the main character in the very first fiction private detective story, ”The Murders in the Rue Morgue” by Edgar Allen Poe. Soon there would be thousands of private eye TV shows and movies too. And one day there would even be a song….