It’s Hollywood glitter vs Motown grit. Beverley Hills rich vs Axel Foley rough. But what happens if we spin the wheel of time? And match up all-time great Piston and Laker teams that never got to play? I’m talking about the ‘89 Pistons vs the 2000 Lakers.

The ’89 Pistons lived up to the Detroit image. And the ’00 Lakers had mega stars in Kobe and Shaq. But the surprising thing about the rest of that Lakers squad? It’s kind of a rag-tag crew. A funky bunch. But would they fall for the banana in the tailpipe?

The Most Surprising Starter Give you a dollar if you can guess the ’00 Lakers starting power forward. Try AC Green, aka The Iron Virgin.  But how? Was it the clean living? Maybe. I mean how else do you explain the monster regular season of 5 points and 6 boards per game? And the picking-his-spots 4 points and 4 boards in the 2000 playoffs?

Still, I have to ask: does ’00 AC average more than a 4x4 in the playoffs, if he’s you know, doin’ it? Who can say? All we know is that he played the Bad Boys back in the ‘80s and he was not getting punked out.. We also know the Bad Boys wouldn’t get him to succumb to temptation off the court, no matter how many women they send over to the hotel to try to take him off his game. Because they would have to compete with all the women Lakers were sending over, to get him on his game. Or just to get him laid.

Isiah Thomas—Underrated, Overrated, or Properly Rated? It’s a polarizing debate for hoops nerds but reasonable humans can agree on these four things.

• Isiah is at the very least, a Top 10 Point Guard.

• Isiah was at the very least, kind of a dick.

• If you can’t appreciate this highlight mix, you’re dead inside.

• There’s no way Isiah gets along with…

Fellow Psycho Dude Kobe Bean Bryant I envision shoving, stare downs, and slapping the ball out of each other’s hands in dead-ball situations. Which always make the basketball sequences that much more satisfying.

How Much Does Kobe Get to Dunk? Young Kobe was an all-time-great in-game dunker.  The Pistons didn’t like getting dunked on. Which would make Kobe want to dunk on them that much more. Would he catch any of them like he did Ben Wallace?  And how many of his Top 40 Dunks will he get to break out before he gets knocked into the 5th row?

The Rap Battle Challenge One thing Kobe was not an all-time great at was rapping. Which makes this Imaginary Classic Challenge pretty interesting. For the Pistons, you’ve got Isiah and Mark Aguirre, who both rapped on that Converse Weapons commercial.  They’re taking on Shaq and Kobe of course. Now Shaq is one of the greatest, if not the greatest, athlete-rappers of all time. He rapped on a song with Biggie and it was aw’ight. And Kobe did actually rap. Kind of. I And for some reason, he even did a song with Tyra Banks.

Unlike Shaq, the Bad Boys never did a song with anyone from Bad Boy because the Bad Boys were bad at rap. But were they worse than Mamba? Maybe, but I think they were rapping badly on purpose. The Converse commercial required them to rap down to Larry Bird’s level. But Kobe was actually trying.

Kobe songs are so terrible, that even with Shaq’s relative brilliance, I couldn’t award the Challenge Token to the Lakers. I was about to just call it a draw.

But then I found out there was another rapper on the ’00 Lakers starting lineup:  AC not-fucking Green.

Sociologists could probably spend a semester analyzing all there is to unpack in this amazing rap video. Just don’t let the 9 minute run time intimidate you—for some reason there are three whole minutes of credits at the end. Just nod your head to that early 90s flow and look for the cameos from some of AC’s famous friends. As abstinence raps go, it’s actually not bad. And that’s how AC not-fucking Green clinches the 10 Free Points Challenge Token for the Lake Show.  Could be a factor….

The Nickname Battle The Pistons had Worm, Spider, Buddha, and Microwave, all names that would fit fine in San Quentin. The Lakers had Diesel and D-Fish and B-Shaw. Ugh. Yeah, sorry Lakers fans. 2000 Kobe hadn’t started calling himself Mamba yet. And Robert Horry wasn’t “Big Shot Bob” until Tim Duncan gave him that one during their Spur days. But even if you throw in Mamba and Big Shot and any of Shaq’s 800 other names, the nickname battle is still an easy win for the Pistons. They’re just an all-time nickname team.

Pistons Defense on Kobe—It’s gonna be the same two guys who matched up with Jordan back in the day, right? So it’s Joe Dumars and the Dennis Rodman—two guys who made the All Defensive Team in ‘89.  With the help of their hard-fouling friends, they guarded MJ pretty well. And he didn’t seem to enjoy the experience. Should we expect the same dynamic with Kobe? Seems like it.

Underrated Lakers D—The Lakers role players were: Ron Harper, Brian Shaw, Derek Fisher, Robert Horry, Rick Fox, and the aforementioned AC Green. A crew that helped the Lakers D lead the NBA in fewest points allowed per 100 possessions. Kobe was elite defensively his entire career. Shaq may not have been, but he was a great defender in 2000.  

Glen Rice’s Shoes—Glen Rice was supposed to give the Lakers a dependable third scorer. Instead he averaged just 15 points in the 2000 regular season and a mere 12 ppg in the playoffs. Glen Rice also wore some weird ass shoes to play NBA basketball in (Nautica, Warner Brothers). Is this all a coincidence? Or did years of subpar footware finally catch up with Glen? Only one way to find out.  Since this subject fascinates me, we’re gonna let Glen Rice wear better sneakers and see if he balls out like his younger self. Could be a factor….. 

Shaq vs Laimbeer—Does Shaq dominate Laimbeer? Does Laimbeer frustrate Shaq? I'm thinking it's a bit of both. It’s not a question of if there will be violence. It’s a question of frequency, intensity, and duration. Young Shaq actually did match up with Old Man Laimbeer a few times. He did pretty well (25 ppg), but Laimbeer only played 12 minutes in a couple of
those games. Including a game in March of ’93, where Laimbeer still managed to frustrate the Diesel, as you can see from this video, commonly known on the web as “Shaq Smacks Alvin Robertson” Which is true, but a better title might be “Shaq Smacks Alvin Robertson, Then Gets Punched by Alvin Robertson.”

The Pick The Diveby doesn’t usually make picks. Even 2017 Warriors vs 1947 Toronto Huskies was just too close to call... But this time, I have a vision.

I had to factor in the Lakers’ 10 Free Points Challenge Token from the Rap Battle Challenge. And that Glen Rice would shoot better wearing functional basketball shoes. I also considered the strong possibility that Shaq eventually loses it and punches Laimbeer so hard he reduces Biff to a fine power and then faces zero consequences! Because the refs go over to monitor and decide “You know what? That guy had it coming. It’s a common foul.” But the Pistons still have Rick Mahorn, Buddha Edwards, and. Spider Salley to through at the Diesel. Because they’re just that deep. That’s why my pick is Pistons in 7.. .