Intoxicating Problems: Beer and Marijuana in Outer Space
Hold up. Think this through. Before anyone puts money down for on a spot on the mothership, be warned. In outer space, drinking and smoking weed—be it fun weed or that prescription cannabis for your aching joints—might not actually work.
Scientists are aware of these problems—a few of them at least—but have a long away to go to go to them solved. Getting buzzed in space could be lightyears away. Here are just some of the issues.
In Space No One Can Hear You Burp
That’s because you can’t burp.
The thing is, there’s no carbonation in space. Because there’s no gravity. The lack of gravity means bubbles can’t float. The bubbles that should all be at the top of your beer—or your soda even—won’t be. Instead they’ll be spread throughout the beverage—which means that your drinks will not go down smooth. Because little beer blobs are not smooth.
Bye bye space beer. So long Jack and Coke. [1]
Bubbles not rising also means that once if you consume a carbonated beverage in space, the bubbles won’t float to the top of your digestive system. Which means the burps you really need to let out may be trapped in your stomach, which could cause permanent health issues.
Plus, there is a real danger that you if you drink in space, you won’t be able to tell if that upset in your tummy is an alien about to hatch through your torso or just a mega-belch that won’t go away.
Space might suck.
Currently, if you want to drink a beer in space, there’s no bottle, can, or pint glass option. You got to drink those beer blobs out of a bag like a damn Capri Sun! What are we? A bunch of damn 4 year olds?[2]
Smart people are working on creating special bottles to avoid to beer blob and beer bag issues. But are there enough of them and are they working fast enough? No, they are not. The Earth’s population keeps on growing as its climates keep on changing. We’ve got to get this space show on the road soon. And we’re gonna need beer for that. We’ve got to speed the science up.
Crowd Funding
An Australian brewery and a space engineering firm have partnered to create an Indiegogo campaign to raise a $1 million dollars to test out one of these special beer bottles. I’m thinking we should all kick in. Sure, we might be throwing our money away, but at least the cause of drinking in space like dignified adults is a meaningful one. Not some frivolous ass shit like funding the world’s largest jock strap or a trillion pounds of potato salad for a super-neat get-together.
What About Getting Corporate Beer to Fund Our Micro Space Brew Dreams?
Let’s do that too. A University of Colorado grad student got Coors to fund her fermentation-in-space thesis. And Budweiser wants to be the first beer on Mars. So they’ve ponied up and partnered with some really smart nerds to figure out how to brew on the Red Planet.
The beer giants are just doing this for marketing purposes, of course. But if they’ll give up actual money—here I’m talking to you MIT Grads and MacArthur Genius Grant winners—you might as well take it and build yourself a legacy.
You Mentioned Mars. Could You Just Assure Me It Will At Least Be Easy To Brew Once We Land on Whatever Planet We’re Going to Colonize the Shit Out Of?
Naw dude. Mars is way different from Earth in terms of water, temperature, and sunlight. The conditions are going to be much more inhospitable will present tremendous challenges for even the smartest nerds.
The nerds may be able to save us. But they should also be working really hard to find a planet that’s exactly like Earth, is in good condition, and that no one will mind if we just sort of take.
What About Weed?
There was a story recently that THC was discovered on meteorite. It was incredible discovery—an amazing discovery, but most importantly, a total bullshit discovery. But this type of clickbait illustrates the wonder offered by the prospect not only of space life, but also of space weed.
There are at least a few legitimate scientists addressing space weed issues.
A dude who studied horticulture at the Kennedy Space Center, Dale J. Chamberlain, is an optimist. Here’s what he has to say about it: "Anything can be engineered. I'm envisioning the filter in my mind now, you'd have to somehow strain the water from the air. It could be done, but there are better ways in space. They'd probably use a vaporator-type system or even edibles.”
Woah. Space edibles. What could possibly go wrong?[3]
Canadian botanist named Mike Dixon is mainly concerned with growing other space crops. But he’s also studying marijuana-growing technology, because that’s where the funding is at. His research applies lessons learned from weed to creating better technology for growing other plants. [4]
Those lessons are being applied to growing marijuana on Earth. Someday, those lessons will be applied to growing marijuana in space. And maybe, just maybe, those lessons will someday be applied to growing weed on meteorites.
So Weed is Covered. And We Can Forget Alcohol As Long as We At Least Have Weed. Right?
Not so fast. A Stanford neuroscientist named Ivan Soltesz says marijuana may not work in space. Due to radiation. And other space and brain stuff.
So Back to The Drawing Board?
Pretty much. Nerds, you have your work cut out for you.
[1] And bye bye lucrative advance for my hard sci-fi novel about a high-functioning alcoholic astronaut.
[2] I do like naps though. Naps are good.
[3] If you’re doing edibles, and drinking beer, there is a very real danger you’ll become convinced that upset in your tummy is an alien about to hatch through your torso and not just a mega-belch that won’t go away.
[4] The idea is to manipulate all the factors the influence growth—light, water, humidity, etc. to exactly the same levels to produce plants that are exactly the same. The research funded because for Marijuana, this would mean standardizing the medicinal chemical components for each dosage. For other space plants, it would mean ensuring that desired nutrients were at precise levels for our space pioneers. And space pirates. Arg!