Wormhole is an alien sent to the Earth to observe human behavior. He splits rent with a slovenly man named Al.  This is a conversation Wormhole and Al had after Wormhole finds Al sitting on the couch and typing on his computer.  

Wormhole: You do not seem to be watching yet another instructional video on human reproduction.

Al: Just got done. Now I'm just doing my fantasy football draft.

Wormhole: What is fantasy football?

Al:  It’s just like real football. Only better.

Wormhole: Better because real football is unsafe and fantasy football is imaginary?

Al: Kinda. But it’s more like in fantasy you get to have your own team. And if you win, it proves how smart you are. But if you lose, it just proves you had shitty luck.

Wormhole: How does one get a fantasy football team?

Al: Just go online. Then you and the other people in your league take turns picking up players. And you gotta know, just because some guy's good at real football doesn’t mean they’re any good at fantasy. I mean, Tom Brady’s the GOAT at real football. But he kinda sucks now at fantasy.  

Wormhole: So goats are good at football?

Al: No GOATS are great at football. And Brady is the GOAT at real football. But Brady at fantasy is more like the WOAT.

Wormhole: You do not like WOATS.   

Al: WOATS suck.

Wormhole: Are you the GOAT of fantasy football?

Al: Man, I can’t wait to die and put that on my tombstone.  

Wormhole: What is most important about fantasy foootball?

Al: Well, it’s good to know a little about real football but not much—that just takes up space in your brain you can use for other stuff. Like how you don’t really need a good quarterback. What you do need is an okay quarterback on a crappy team that’s behind all the time and passing the whole damn game that you can just pick up off the waiver wire.

Wormhole: What is the waiver wire?

Al: It’s like a dumpster you gotta know how to climb into and dig through just right. And every now and then, you dig around and find a perfectly cooked steak. And then you can just stand there and eat that steak right there in the middle of that dumpster. Because you’re smarter than everybody else.

Wormhole: Dumpster steak is a succulent prize.    

Al: Also, you need real good running backs in fantasy, especially ones that have good hands.

Wormhole:  Running backs who use Neutrogena Norwegian Formula Concentrated Hand Cream?

Al: Pretty much. See, in fantasy you always pick running backs first. Even though in real football you can pretty much find good-enough running backs at a Planet Fitness or a rock climbing gym.  Or a ping pong tournament or Home Depot.  

Wormhole: I wish to procure many dumpster steaks. What else must I know?

Al: Don’t ever get mad at your kicker and drive to the town they live in to kick their ass. Because they probably just had a bad day. And kickers can kick—the first clue is it's in their name. So there’s a pretty high chance they can kick the shit out of you. I mean I don’t know about you, but I say once something’s happened twenty or so times, it’s probably not a fluke.