The Kansas City Chiefs are the defending NFL champs. But would they be able to defend their belt if they traveled 30 years to the past to play one of the top 5 teams of all-time? What would it look like if Mahomes and the explosive Chiefs squared off against Joe Montana and the ‘89 ‘9ers’ ultra efficient West Coast Offense?  

Let me make two statements I believe to be true, but that I would love to be wrong about, and a third statement which is so absolutely true that it can be mathematically proven.    

• The team from the future would win the trenches on both sides of the ball.  

• The 49ers defense would have a tough time adjusting to an elite 2019 NFL offense.

• Unlike a 1989 cordless phone vs a 2019 cell, or Tim Burton’s Batman vs Avengers Endgame, the football team from 1989 would at least stand a chance.    

Yeah, I said it. I might not like it, but in a conventional football game, I would probably pick the 2019 Super Bowl Champ to beat the ‘89 Super Bowl Champ. But it would be interesting. And what if there was something we could do to make things even more interesting? Like having both teams travel way, way back to the really olden times? And play the game under Iron Man Rules?  

For those who aren’t familiar with Iron Man, here’s the run-down. For decades, football rules prohibited substitutions. You had an eleven man squad—and that was it. Every player played every play on offense, defense, and special teams.  Of course, Iron Man Rules football would be impossible for modern athletes to play for the following reasons: it’d be exhausting, it would consist of hundreds of massive collisions, and there would be too high a risk of injury. So, as for any fictious Iron Man matchup, some suspension of disbelief is required.

One way to reduce the believability gap slightly is to give each team a month-long training camp to prepare. And let’s make the game safer by giving the players helmets and pads that eliminate the risk of catastrophic injury. And while we’re at it, let’s also say the game will be played under a triple rainbow, with a unicorn and a space mermaid in attendance. You might think it’s weird to have a unicorn and a mermaid alien watching football, but they just love seeing the ultra-bright helmets and pads they designed together work so damn well.

So there’s clearly magic in the air for this contest, but the football stuff would be based on the players’ real life speed, strength, agility, and football skills. And remember, players would have that month long training camp to learn a new position on the other side of the ball and get the ol’ cardio up where it belongs.  

If you think about who the ’89 ‘9ers have for a game like this, they may just have one big advantage over the Chiefs, if they play their cards right. A secret weapon they could absolutely use under Iron Man Rules. A very intriguing possibility… But first let’s meet the 2019 Iron Chiefs.  

Offense

• QB—Patrick Mahomes

• RB—Tyrann Mathieu (The Honey Badger is a great athlete and former punt returner in addition to being a 2-time all Pro DB)

• WR1—Tyreke Hill (4.2 40 All-Pro)

• WR2—Sammy Watkins (solid receiver with sub-4.5 speed)

• WR3—Chavarius Ward (a corner who gets to show the world if he can catch)

• TE—Travis Kelce (hmm. I wonder if a 6’5” 260 lb guy who runs 4.6 and played high school basketball could come in handy?)

• RT-- Mitchell Swartz (All Pro Right Tackle in 2018, 2nd Team All Pro in 2019)

• RG— Tanoh Kpassagnon  

• C—Reggie “Ragtime" Ragland

• LG—Chris Jones

• LT—Frank Clark

• Punt Returner—Tyrann Mathieu

• Kick Returner—Tyreke Hill

• Punter—Patrick Mahomes

• Kicker—Patrick Mahomes

Chiefs Defense

• LDE—Tanoh Kpassagnon (solid DE with intimidating-to-pronounce name)

• LDT—Chris Jones (Pro Bowler)

• RDT—Mitchell Swartz

• RDE—Frank Clark (Pro Bowler)

• OLB—Sammy Watkins (big receiver=small but superfast LB)

• MLB—Reggie Ragland (moving over from the outside)

• OLB—Travis Kelce (TE moonlighting as a super-sized LB)  

• CB—Tyreke Hill

• CB—Chavarius Ward—a regular ol’ professional NFL corner, which might come handy playing a team with Jerry Rice)

• SS--Tyrann Mathieu (2nd Team All Pro Safety in 2019)

• FS—Patrick Mahomes

• Toughest cut—Pro Bowl Kick Returner Mecole Hardman. Giving Mahomes another 4.3 guy to throw to could mean game over, but having Chavarius Ward stuck on the 0-line could put his life in danger, even with all the space mermaid pixie dust in the air. Plus, I think having Hill, Watkins, Honey Badger, and Kelce should be more than enough weapons.

Now let's meet your ‘89 Iron ‘9ers.

‘9ers Offense

• QB—Joe Montana

• HB—Roger Craig

• FB—Tom Rathman

• WR1—Jerry Rice

• WR2—John Taylor

• LT--Charles Haley (he played TE in high school but lines up on the O-Line here)

• LG—Guy McIntyre (was actually used by Bill Walsh as a full back in short yardage)

• C—Ronnie Lott (oh, he'll learn)

• RG—Pierce Holt

• RT—Harris Barton (UNC looked at him at as a D-Lineman first)

• WR3/RB3/QB2/Super Slash—Steve Young

Before we get to the defensive lineup, let’s just consider that, yeah, it won’t be Joe Montana’s favorite thing, but on an any given play, the 9ers could use Steve Young—a 215 pounder who ran 4.5—as a runner, receiver or thrower!!! Think of the Fun Flea flickers, the direct snaps, the direct snap fun flea flickers. You know the double pass play? Where the QB throws an overhand lateral to a guy on behind the line of scrimmage and the second guy throws a pass down field? How ‘bout a plays where Young and Montana just play long-lateral catch? And try out some triple or quadruple pass plays? The possibilities are endless!

And unlike some QBs, like say, I dunno, Tom Brady, Steve Young would be pretty damn good on the defensive side of the ball. Plus, it’s not like Montana’s a non-athlete. He was a 4.7 40 guy (allegedly) who could backwards dunk (confirmed). They may not have been the best of friends, but isn’t it cool to think of Montana throwing a slant to Young on one play? And Young throwing an out to Montana the next? And the ‘9ers QBs would have some other guys to throw to too. But before we get to the game plan, let’s check out the ‘9ers D.

• DE—Charles Haley

• DT—Guy McIntyre

• DT—Harris Barton

• DE—Pierce Holt

• OLB—Roger Craig (knees up on D also?)

• MLB—Tom Rathman (athletic enough that he was a Nebraska state high jump champ)

• OLB—Joe Montana (mostly to play contain, but if he wants to pick daisies like a bored Little League right fielder, that's cool too)

• CB—Ronnie Lott

• CB—John Taylor (1,000 yard wideout/All Pro Kick Returner/Bass Player in Duran Duran, can do it all.)

• SS—Jerry Rice (ball skills for days)

• FS—Steve Young (makes more sense at linebacker than Joe, but with Tyreke Hill lurking, you probably want Young’s speed on the back end).

I know what you’re thinking. One of the most famous safeties of all-time, Ronnie Lott, at corner? Well before he was an All-Pro safety, Lott was an All-Pro CB. Sure, this was in his younger days, but I say you might as well throw your best DB at the Chiefs biggest threat, Tyreke Hill. And just have him play Hill physical as hell at the line, with some other guys shading over. Maybe it wears on Hill. Or maybe not, especially given the challenges of keeping up with Hill on pre-snap motion.But let’s be real. This is gonna be a shootout.    

Toughest Cut—Who cares? Steve Young and Joe Montana are in the same lineup!!!

The Nickname Battle

• The Chiefs—Honey Badger, Showtime, Tyfreak. Ok, we’re counting “Showtime” for Pat Mahomes—even though I’ve never heard him called that—because I like it, and it seems like if we’re going to bother having a nickname battle at all, we kinda need it.

• The 49ers—Joe Cool, Woody, Flash 80, The Intimidator (a coaches’ nickname for Haley)

I think this nickname battle is a draw. Honey Badger is the best of the group; Joe Cool the most fitting. Jerry Rice had a Goldfingers
Nike Poster and was known as World in college, but neither of these monickers seems to have had traction in the NFL. Not really sure the Flash 80 thing did either, but we'll go with it. I really like Woody for Tom Rathman, a nickname he was given because he reminded the guys of Woody from Cheers.

The Gameplans

Chiefs Offense vs 49ers Defense— Charles Haley would have to be awesome. Otherwise it’s tough to see how the 9ers get enough pressure on Mahomes to keep from getting out of the pocket and making huge throws. Fortunately, Haley was pretty awesome, so there’s at least some hope. Tyron Mathieu would be more than adequate as a pass catching scatback. Ronnie Lott trying to rough up Hill would be fun. Overall though, it’s hard to imagine the ‘9ers stopping the Chiefs much.

49ers Offense vs Chiefs Defense—this offense is crazy versatile. Taylor was a 1,000 yard receiver in ‘89. Past-his-prime Roger Craig still produced 1,500 combined rushing and receiving yards and still ran with his knees way up high. With Crag and fullback Tom Rathman (70 receptions in ’89) you’ve got the short pass covered. With Taylor and Rice, you can go downfield. Also, keep in mind that in 1989, Steve Young threw for a 1,000 yards as a backup, and he’ll have to be accounted for on every play. The Chiefs would have 2 Pro Bowlers on the D-Line to bring pressure, but I see the 49ers mostly getting the ball out quick and moving it at will, even against all that Chiefs speed. Honey Badger would play all over the field and to be used in coverage and as a blitzer (which hopefully wouldn’t tire him out from his Running Back duties).  Hard to imagine the Chiefs stopping the ‘9ers much.

The Pudge Heffelfinger MVP Award—goes to whoever makes the right call on the coin flip and takes the ball first? Actually this one's a Triple Pudge Sundae, because….

The Prediction—‘9ers win it 63-60. And for the first time and only time that I know of in imaginary or real sports, there are 3 co-Heffelfingers: Joe Montana (600 yards passing), Jerry Rice (300 yards receiving), and Steve Young (400 all purpose yards, 3 TDs). Sorry Pat Mahomes. 800 yards passing will win you most games. Just not this one.                                                                                                     ·