Before we get to the breakdown and prediction, here’s a quick recap of Parts 1 thru 3. We discussed how, for a bunch of reasons, Jordan needed some kind of break after the ’93 season. We explained that the Rockets were a bad matchup for the Bulls. And we talked about how Parallel Universe Jordan would take his break by decamping to the obscure Caribbean island nation of St. Kitts and Nevis, start an Olympic bobsled team there, and compete in the ’94 Winter Olympics. Of course, the Olympics go really badly, Jordan’s bobsled mysteriously blows up, and now he’s extremely motivated to play basketball again. And this is key—since bobsledding training is all about quick twitch muscles, he’s pretty damn explosive.

Oh yeah, Knicks fans may also be interested in how in Part 1 Jordan convinced (conned?) Charles Oakley and Patrick Ewing into going to Jamaica with him, only wind up in a shootout and escape within an inch of their lives.  

Here are the lineups/rotations for Rockets-Bulls.

Bulls

Starters

• SF-Pippen

• PF-Horace Grant

• C-Bill Cartwright

• SG-Jordan

• PG-BJ Armstrong

• Bench Guys Who Would Play

• F-Toni Kukoc

• G-Steve Kerr

• C-Luc Longley (acquired at the deadline from the T-Wolves for Stacey King)

• C/PF-Scott Williams (Lucky for him Advanced Stats didn’t exist yet)

• SG/SF-Pete Myers (I honestly think the 6’6” Myers could come in handy on defense.)

• Break Glass Only In Case of Emergency

• PG-John Paxson (on his last legs)

• C-Bill Wennington. The affable Canadian would go on to play a more significant role in years to come, but he was a big-man deep cut on the ’94 team.[1]

  Rockets

  Starters

• SF-Robert Horry

• PF-Otis Thorpe

• C-Hakeem Olajuwon

• SG-Vernon Maxwell

• PG-Kenny Smith

• Bench Guys Who Would Play

• PG-Sam Cassell (the closer)

• G/F-Mario Ellie

• PF/C-Carl Herrera

• C-Earl “The Twirl" Cureton (the 36 year old Cureton averaged 10 playoff minutes per game backing up Olajuwon)

• Break Glass Only In Case of Emergency

• PG-Scott Brooks (the 5’8” future coach averaged 16.8 mpg in the regular season, but only 4.6 mpg in the playoffs)

• SF-Chris “Stone Cold” Jent was a rookie who could shoot but didn't play much the in the final two rounds.

• PF Who Played in the Wrong Era-Matt Bullard (he’d be a stretch 5 today)

What We Learn From Previous Games The Rockets went 5-1 versus the Bulls in games played against the Jordan-led Bulls during the ’90-‘91, ’91-‘92, and ’92-‘93 seasons. Interestingly, the non-Jordan Bulls split with the Rockets in ’93-’94. How much do these games really mean? Probably something, but not everything, in determining who would win a best-of-seven series. Rockets fans will definitely point to this game played on 12/11/92. It is a very impressive road win for the Rockets. My favorite part is the combo of Olajuwon and Otis Thrope wrecking shop.

Politicians Lie and Ex-Players Are Politicians After “The Last Dance” aired on ESPN, the Rockets/Bulls debate started up again. Robert Horry said there’s no way the Bulls would have beaten the Rockets in a finals. No shocker there. But his reasoning was…interesting. Horry said that Phil Jackson (who he later played for on the Lakers) hated double teaming so much, he wouldn’t have been able to bring himself to double Hakeem, so Hakeem would score 50 points a game. The only problem with that, is there’s this thing called YouTube where you can watch old games. And see that Phil’s Bulls teams doubled Dream early and often. You can see at the beginning of games where Phil talked about the necessity of doubling Olajuwon (at the 2:30 mark of this video). Later, in 1996 announcer Danny Ainge talked about it, right around the 2:45 mark of this video.

And just to be clear, people didn’t just talk about It, you can watch the games and actually see the double teaming right before your eyes!  So, sorry Bob. You may be right about the Rockets winning. But your reasoning is bullshit! Or maybe we should call it...Rocketshit! And you were there, man! Are you just making up plausible sounding strategy mumbo jumbo because you know fly-by-night websites like Sports Illustrated will unquestioningly eat it up? Or have you actually forgotten? I mean, if Mick Mars says he can’t remember key details of  Mötley Crüe shows, I’ll believe him, but you’re a former professional athlete not named Dennis Rodman. Have you really killed that many brain cells? If so, maybe you should check out YouTube and get reacquainted with your career. I mean dude—you made some pretty big shots.

Speaking of Sport Illustrated….

Jordan vs Mad Max (Beyond Thunderdome) Many have pointed out that Maxwell vs Jordan was an intriguing matchup. Which is true. But some have gotten a little carried away. According to SI, “The former Rockets' guard was Houston's primary defender on Jordan throughout the first half of the 1990s, and he largely held his own.” Per the article, Jordan averaged 24.7 points per game on 42.3% shooting in seven matchups against Maxwell from 1991-95, a stretch in which the Rockets went 6–1 against Chicago.”  That’s pretty compelling stuff. Or at least it would be if it was true. Here are Jordan’s actual #s from the 6 games played against Maxwell and the Rockets during the ’90-’91, ’91-’92, and ’92-’93 season: 29 ppg, 48% shooting. Slightly subpar for Jordan but not as bad as Sports Illustrated would have you believe. Statmuse.com has the stats from every Max vs MJ matchup and proves that there were only the six Jordan/Maxwell matchups from ‘91-’95, two games per year during each of the Bulls first three championship seasons. There's no 7th matchup. Jordan didn’t play any games against the Rockets during ’93-’94 while he was retired, or after he came back to the NBA in March of ’95. And in case, you’re wondering, Mad Max didn’t play for the Rockets in the ’95-’96 season. Instead, he played for a bad Philly team during the ’95-96 season that didn’t have an all-time great defensive center helping at the rim, and like Das EFX might say, MJ riggidy-wrecked that 6ers team.

So what does all this all mean? (Vernon’s pretty good defense on Jordan) + (Vernon being a crazy competitive  psycho) + (MJ being a crazy competitive psycho) STILL = AWESOME. And I haven’t mentioned the best part. Which is…..  

The Spankin’ Dat Ass Challenge Crazy is as crazy does and if Vernon Maxwell’s last name were Jones, his nickname would still be Mad Max. And he didn’t like it one bit when Jordan spanked dat ass. Literally.

Vernon tells a story of Jordan scoring on him and giving him a sarcastic “nice try” spank. And Max got pissed. If Jordan did that in the Finals, Max would have to retaliate. It’d be constant battle throughout the series, not just to score on and stop each other, but to spank each other sarcastically after every play. It’d be a hell of thing to watch. Could change the sport forever.  

Co-Main Event – Bulls D vs Hakeem on Offense First, let’s talk about the Rockets offense. They may not have thrown the ball down to Hakeem on the left block every single time, I mean sure, they did some other stuff too. But Hakeem-on-the-left-block was the missionary position of their offense. Sure, if it was a Sunday night before a state holiday or an anniversary or something, Hakeem might get a little freaky and head over to the right block to post up. He just wouldn’t stay too long because the left side was his best side. The left side give him the angle to shoot the fadeaway to the baseline and it was also where he’d use his quickness to face up and take guys off to dribble and dance left into a 12-15 footer. But the Rockets would also give a Thorpe a few post-ups, run some Max Mad pick-and-roll, and run a few plays with a big setting an off-ball screen for a cutting guard. Shit like that, to keep things spicy.

Now, as we’ve already established, the Bulls would double the Dream. A lot. In this order: Pippen, Jordan, and Grant. Pippen was more likely to try to knock the ball out of Hakeem’s hands, while Jordan might try that or go for the sniper block from behind. Grant’s the tallest of the three but the least handsy, so the least threatening, though his mobility would come into handy once Hakeem passed out of the double and the Bulls went into scramble-and-recover mode. If you watch the old footage, the Bulls double teamers won some battles, but Hakeem and the Rockets won the war. Olajuwon was a good passer and the Rockets spaced the floor with shooters (though, by 2020 standards, their team 3 point percentage wasn’t great). Also, The Dream also had Spidey Sense for where the double was coming from and would sometimes start spinning away from the double before it got there. Like Jordan, peak Hakeem was superstar, superhero, and artist all wrapped in one.

The Undercard

• Pippen vs Horry - Young Robert Horry was a big, athletic small forward who could shoot 3s and had a nice little jump hook. He couldn’t really dribble and had no in-between game, but was fun to watch. He was also a good defender who did well in his matchups against Pippen and the Bulls. Pippen on the other hand wasn’t great against the Rockets. In the 6 matchups from ’91-’93, he boarded and assisted well, but shot under 40%. But for what it’s worth, in the one game he played against the Rockets in the ’93-’94 season, he was awesome, and the Bulls won.

  Rudy Tomjanovich deserves major props for making Houston a great defensive team. And like Maxwell guarding Jordan, Horry played Pippen well. But know this—it was Hakeem who robbed Pippen and Jordan of some of their super powers at the rim... .

  EDGE: Pippen

• Otis Thorpe vs Horace Grant - Two of the best lunch pail power forwards of the 90s. Thorpe was tough, strong, and could board. Horace may not have been as strong, but was an equally good board man and a better defender and shooter. Both guys could really run and flashed some post-up game. Horace’s space-age basketball glasses were cool but Thorpe’s dunks were cold AF. He was a man with a plan: just grab the ball like a grapefruit and head to the hoop with swag and dunk intentions.  

  EDGE: EVEN  

• BJ Armstrong vs Kenny Smith—BJ vs ’94 Kenny is a battle of low assist, sharp shooting point guards. You think maybe while they’re standing out at half court, in between free throws, they’ll talk about their post-NBA dreams? That Armstrong will one day become a sports agent? And that Kenny will marry a Price Is Right model and have an R&B singer daughter named Kayla Brianna? 

  EDGE: Smith. Statistically speaking, anyone can become an agent, but it's almost impossible to marry a Price is Right model.

Michael Jordan Responds We emailed dozens of questions to Michael about this piece before we ran it. He ignored them all. Except for one: “Could you ever see yourself getting hyped to Kayla Brianna songs instead of Anita Baker songs?  

MJ sent back this video of him reading the question:

• Bill Cartwright’s Goofy Elbows vs. The Rockets Heads—Bill may not have meant to, but his elbows just had a way of crashing into the other teams’ best players’ heads. Isiah Thomas tried to fight him. Charles Barkley had to be helped off the court. And Olajuwon went out on a stretcher (Before you accuse Cartwright's ‘bows of being elitist, they did also connect with the Greg Kite’s of the world). Wearing Olympic style boxing style protective headgear might slow the Rockets down some, but it might be the best decision.

  EDGE: Elbows.  

• Bulls Bench vs Rockets Bench—If you look at the bench guys who played the most, this matchup is basically this:  Steve Kerr, Toni Kukoc, and Luc Longley vs Sam Cassell, Mario Elie, and Carl Herrera. Kerr was a much better in his regular seasons for the Bulls than he was in the playoffs and his ’94 post-season was especially rough. On the other hand, super rook Cassel was clutch and his stats and minutes actually went up during the playoffs. ’94 Mario Ellie was tough defensively and decent offensively, if not quite the dude that ’95 Mario Elie was. ’94 Longley was a solid backup center. The best part of the Bulls ’94 bench by far was 6’11 NBA freshman Toni Kukoc. Kukoc could beat the Rockets bigs off the dribble and make shots and plays. The question is how often? Carl Herrera was a solid back-up big who would occasionally score in spurts.

  EDGE: Houston

The OJ Game—This time around, Game 5 of the NBA Finals is Bulls vs Rockets. If we extrapolate from the ratings of the 6 times that the Bulls appeared in the Finals, we can safely assume that the ratings of Bulls vs Rockets would be about 30% higher than ratings of Rockets vs Knicks. Would that be enough to prevent NBC from going split screen to show us the slow-mo Bronco chase, with Tom Brokaw announcing? I gotta believe, at the very least, those higher Bulls ratings push the Bronco into the corner of the screen and we get to hear Marv Albert announce the whole game instead of the sorry ass Tom Brokaw OJ narration.    

The Nickname Battle

• Rockets Nicknames: Hakeem “The Dream”, Mad Max, Kenny “The Jet” Smith (not really sure anyone actually called him this when he played but we'll count it), Junkyard Dog (Mario Ellie). Earl “The Twirl" Cureton. Not counting Big Shot Bob because Horry didn’t get that nickname until later and not counting “Sam-I-Am” for the same reason.

• Bulls Nicknames: Air Jordan (over it), “Bill Cartwright—”Big Bill” or alternatively, “Mr. Bill” ; Toni “The Waiter” Kukoc; Scottie “No Tippin’” Pippen (Jeez. No wonder Pippen and Kukoc had issues)

  EDGE: Houston    

The Prediction The series goes seven. Jordan and Olajuwon both average 30. Whoever winds up winning will be the MVP.  It comes down to the very end of Game 7 in Houston. Bulls with the ball, down by 1, 20 seconds to go. They clear out for Jordan on the left side. You can see in his face how badly he wants to make this last shot and smack the hell out of Vernon Maxwell’s ass one last time. The clock ticks down. He goes hard left, but Maxwell cuts him off. He fakes a spin back middle, then two dribbles hard to the baseline and put it up….as Olajuwon comes out of nowhere! Reaches up! Gets a piece of the ball! The ball falls harmlessly short of the rim. No foul! Rockets win!

So now Jordan has finally lost. In the Finals…in a blog. Just take a deep breath and accept it. You can handle this. It’s healthier this way. Trust me.

After Credits Scene

Michael Jordan is sitting in the living room of his St. Kitts and Nevis beach house. Anita Baker’s “Giving You The Best That I’ve Got” is playing on the record player. There’s a knock at the door. Jordan answers. It’s David Stern.

David Stern: Hello Michael.

Jordan: David. What are you doing here?

David Stern: I’ve come to talk to you about the explosion. Of your bobsled. At the ’94 Winter Olympics.

Jordan: I didn’t know there was an engine in that thing! It must have been Phil Knight!

David Stern: No Michael. We know there was no engine. And it was no accident.

Jordan: You mean someone tried to blow me up?

David Stern: Yes.

Jordan: But who?

David Stern: Dennis Rodman.

Jordan: Dennis Rodman?!

David Stern: Yes Michael.

Jordan: My God. How the hell are we going to team up now?

TO BE CONTINUED

You’re still here?! Then you must be looking for the footnote. It’s about Will Perdue.

[1] The X-Factor: Will Perdue???  (Big shout to Will-Due Nation). Perdue was 7’0” and a solid defender but no threat to slow down Hakeem. Still, you’d think that the Bulls would want to have him ready in case Cartwright and Longley got hurt or in foul trouble. But Perdue was coming off a broken finger and, somewhat amazingly, lost his playoff roster spot to Jo Jo English in ‘94. Now, Jo Jo ain’t making the roster for this series (Don’t worry. We’ll work something out so he can still fight Derek Harper.). Now, knowing that you’re going up against Hakeem, is it possible you’d still put Perdue and his bad digit on the roster over Paxson or Wennington? And would it make any difference? Probably not. I mostly just wrote this footnote because I didn’t want to ignore Perdue completely and have Will-Due Nation coming at me on Twittter. Those people are fucking scary. .