We’ve all asked ourselves the question: How would I react if Shaquille O’Neal smacked me in the face? Here are 3 stories of dudes Shaq smacked and what happened next. You decide which reaction you resemble most. Then, we’ll fly you to Atlanta on all expenses paid trip so that you can be smacked by Shaq in person and find out if you’re actually correct. (There will probably be some kind of waiver involved. Waiting to hear back from Legal Zoom on that.)    

1. Alvin Robertston  

Why it Happened: This is the one that there’s a video of. As you can tell, the action starts when Bill Laimbeer hugs Shaq—because he’s a hugger. But some guys don’t like to be hugged and Shaq lashes out. As a dejected Laimbeer walks away, Robertson steps in like a bouncer. Mama jokes go too far, Shaq smacks Robertson, Robertson punches Shaq. Note: on the “smack”—it’s really more of a hammer punch.       

 Badassness of Reaction (from 1 to 10). 10.

Despite giving up about 100 lbs, Robertson responds by landing a solid shot and wants some more. It’s exactly what you’d expect to see from Wesley Snipes in Blade, Kurt Russell in Tombstone, or Chuck Norris in a meme about Chuck Norris and the Loch Ness Monster.  

2. Kobe Bryant

Why it Happened: Kobe and Shaq were sorting some stuff out. According to Jeff Pearlman’s book, Three Ring Circus, Kobe thought Shaq made a soft foul call in a pickup game, and soon after, Kobe told Shaq that the Lakers were his team, it escalated from there, and Shaq got mad and smacked Kobe--hard. You do have to keep in mind that it was 1999, so a lot of people were on edge about Y2K and the world possibly ending. Which may have been the reason Shaq didn’t just settle for just landing a signature smack, but also swung and missed on some kill-shots.

Badassness of Reaction (From 1 to 10): 8.5.   

Kobe didn’t throw back a punch like Alvin Robertson. Instead he took the loud-ass smack and yelled at Shaq. “You’re soft! Is that all you got?” In some ways, you could argue this reaction is more badass than landing a punch. It’s “Who you tryin’ to get crazy with, ese? Don’t you know I’m loco?”  It’s Tyler Durden in Fight Club. It’s Rocky letting Drago hit him—no, scratch that, it’s Ali letting Foreman hit him. Not that Kobe was gonna rope-a-dope Shaq and knock him out. But had that idea crossed his mind, he definitely would have tried it.

You can also check out excerpts of Three Ring Circus in this ESPN article, including the full account of the Kobe/Shaq altercation. But if you read the whole book, you get all the crazy stories. Like the one about…..

·3. Greg Ostertag

Why it Happened: Shaq was mad because Ostertag didn’t totally suck when the Jazz beat the Lakers in the ‘97 playoffs and had the audacity to talk low-key shit about it. So Shaq approached Ostertag at the Jazz’s morning shootaround before the ’97-’98 season opener and instigated some shit so he could a break out his go-to: the loud-ass smack.

Badassness of Reaction (from 1 to 10) Zero.

Ostertag curled up in the fetal position. And cried out “Where’s my contact lens? Has anyone seen my contact lens?” And crawled around looking for it. There is nothing badass about this at all. But it’s just so damn relatable.