Talking Myself Into the Magnum Reboot
They’re rebooting Magnum PI. Only this time, Magnum doesn’t have mustache. And Higgins is a chick.
There are lots of reasons for to be concerned. For one, the premiere’s only a few weeks away—so we don’t much time to stop it. For another, it’s being brought to us be the same geniuses who rebooted MacGyver with some kid who looks like he should have a douchey, albeit very successful, YouTube channel. Not a man who could convincingly escape from smugglers by blowing a hole through a storage shed with a bomb made out of aftershave and Girl Scout Cookies.
Those were my thoughts. But then I watched this trailer .
My logical brain tells me this can’t possibly end well for any of us. But judge me if you want, but I’m at least down for the pilot even though it’s directed by guy (Justin Lin) who did shitty Fast and the Furious movies 3 through 6. Because it looks fucking cool. And I like Jay Hernandez.
I recently read an article complaining that Hernandez is no Tom Selleck. It was written by Captain Obvious. Jay Hernandez isn’t the problem. My near-certain-to-be-realized fear is that once we get past the big-time movie-director helmed-pilot, the production team is just going to phone it in and rely on the most superficial elements, (Ferrari, Hawaii, ex-military, Tigers cap, Dobermans) of the Magnum brand to deliver ratings. That they’ll do stupid Hawaii 5-0 crossovers.[1] And the people in charge won’t be the least bit worried about scripts so dumb they very well could be written some Hollywood’s exec’s 9 year old kid, because you know, he’s gotta get his start somewhere!
But for now at least, I’m at peace with all that. Here’s the one thing that really gives me pause: what about the opening credits? What theme music are even using here? And how could the new intro possibly live up to the original? Oh sure, Jay’s probably got the clip slam and the Ferrari glance covered, but he’s 5’9 and 40 years old. You’re telling me he’s gonna dunk?[2] How? Off a trampoline?
Also, I’m not totally convinced he can do the look back with the eye brow twerk. Because that’s not something that’s just handed to you in life. No, you’ve got to earn that move. I know from experience. I put in a lot of mirror time in on that one.
This show is probably going to be soulless. And eventually, I’ll probably feel hollowed out for watching it. I wonder by what episode Magnum will bang Higgins. And what Vegas’s over/under is on that. And how much I’ll bet. And what I’ll do with all that money.
I’m also thinking blasphemous shit like “by what episode will Magnum and Higgins have a baby?” And “Will they have twins?” And “Could the twins wind up being Scrappy Doo and the red head kid from Different Strokes?” But I’m still signing up for at least 2 episodes.
You want a more interesting detective show? how about this: something (loosely) based on Jay Hernandez’s character from Friday Night Lights. Very loosely because Brian Chavez is a real person. But something that has a similar arc: Harvard educated former football star lawyer winds up back in Texas, gets in a fight with his girlfriend’s ex and ends up with a felony charge. Loses his law license for 5 years. And here’s the totally made up part—he goes to Hawaii to be a PI. We’d have to call it something brand new, so there’s no way Hollywood is taking a chance like that. But don't worry. if I win big enough at my Magnum-Higgins bang bet, I’ll make that one myself.[3]
[1] Actually happening.
[2] Fun Fact: Tom Selleck was 35 during the first season of Magnum.
[3] Detective shows centered around Jay Hernandez’s characters from Hostel, Bad Moms, Suicide Squad, or Crazy Beautiful would also be acceptable answers to the question What is more inspired than a Magnum reboot?