'90 Eagles vs '90 Bills: An Alternate Universe Super Bowl and Iron Man Classic
In the early 90s, the Bills and the Eagles were two of the best teams to play on Madden, Super Tecmo Bowl, and to watch on TV. Both teams were both loaded. But that didn’t always translate into success in the biggest games.
Of course, the Bills, with their four trips to the Super Bowl, got closer to a championship than the Eaglee. The closest they came was in their In their first try, in Super Bowl XXV. The ‘90 Bills were just one makeable field goal away.
The ’90 Eagles were a deeply flawed, but really cool team. Randall Cunningham was a super hero QB, but most of the team’s stars were on defense. The offense was too dependent on Randall and it never seemed to show up in big games.
A Bills-Eagles Super Bowl could have happened. The Eagles started the ’90 season 2-4, but then won 5 straight. The 5th win was a 28-14 beatdown of the Redskins in November. That game was known as the Body Bag Game, because the Eagles knocked 9 Washington players out of the game, then, in true Cobra Kai fashion, asked the Redskins if they had enough body bags. Which the Redskins may have remembered when the teams met again in the playoffs…
In the playoff game, the Philly offense couldn’t put the ball in the end zone (and the defense didn’t help out with 2 TDs like they had in November). Randall wound up with 200 yards passing and 80 yards running, but couldn’t make the crucial plays, and wound up getting briefly pulled for Jim McMahon by Eagles Coach Buddy Ryan (this game wound up as Buddy’s swan song in Philly). Washington won the game 20-6.
But what about Eagles vs Bills? Well they did actually play late in the ’90 season, in Buffalo on December 2nd. The Bills jumped out to a 24-0 lead, and held on to win 30-23. Apparently, the topic of body bags never came up. Randall led the Eagles in rushing with 71 yards and threw for 3 TDS. For the season, Cunningham passed for over 3,400 yards and threw 30 TDs. He also ran for 942 and 5 scores.
If these teams played an Alternate Universe Super Bowl 25, I’d root for the Eagles but pick the Bills. But what if these teams played under Iron Man Rules? Just 11 guys on each team, playing offense and defense?
But before we get deep into this a few things to keep.in mind.
Each team gets a month to prepare. Players can learn a new position and go up in the mountains to do Rocky training to acquire the cardio they’ll need.
Since cardio could still be a concern, we may need more TV timeouts. So how ‘bout if Maroon 5 does a mini-concert between every quarter? Or, better yet, what if everybody just meditates silently for 20 minutes in between quarters?
Since there’s way too much hitting in this style of football for it to be safe for modern athletes, both teams have helmets and pads that were brought back in time from 400 years in the future.
Defense
DE—Bruce Smith (the 31st greatest player in NFL
History)NT—Kent Hull
DE—Will Wolford
OLB—Cornelius Bennett
ILB—Jim Kelly
ILB—Shane Conlan
OLB—Daryl Talley
CB—Steve Tasker
FS—Keith McKeller
SS—Thurman Thomas
CB—Andre Reed
Gunner—Steve Tasker
Kicker—Steve Tasker
Punter—Steve Tasker
Long Snapper—Steve Tasker
Holder—Steve Tasker (Shh. Just relax and enjoy the show)
Offense
RT—Cornelius Bennett
RG—Bruce Smith
C—Kent Hull
LG—Shane Conlan
LT—Wil Wolford
WR1—Andre Reed
WR2—Steve Tasker
TE—Keith McKeller
FB—Daryl Talley
HB—Thurman Thomas
QB—Jim Kelly
Easy Call #2 I had to cut James Lofton, one of my favorite lanky wide receivers of all-time. But it was a no-brainer. Steve Tasker was born to play Iron Man Rules Football. He had over 200 special teams tackles—so we know he could hit—and he had 7 blocked punts. And every now and then, he’d even return a kick or play receiver! He even went for 5 catches for 108 yards and a touchdown in a playoff game!
Tough Cut Nate Odomes made the Pro Bowl in ’92 and ’93. He was a better football player than Keith McKeller. And he’d give the Bills at least one professional DB on their Iron Man Squad. But the Bill’s defense wasn’t named for Odomes! And the K-Gun Offense was named for McKeller! Plus Keith is a 6’6”, 245 lb guy who can block, run, and catch—a strong Iron Man credentials. But with Tasker, Thomas, McKeller, and Reed in the secondary, Defensive Backs Coach Dick Roach would really have his work cut out for him.
The Philly Lineup
Defense
DE—Reggie White (the 7th greatest player of all-time)
DT—Mike Golic (look forward to his analysis before, during, and after the game)
DT—Jerome Brown (He died in a car accident in his, prime in 1992, after being named 1st Team All Pro two years in a row. Like a lot of guys who went to the U, he was larger than life)
DE—Clyde Simmons
OLB—Seth Joyner
MLB—Keith Jackson
OLB—Keih Byers
CB—Eric Allen
FS—Randall Cunningham
SS—Andre Waters
CB—Fred Barnett
Punter—Randall Cunningham (a 2 Time All-American Punter at UNLV he punted a few times in the NFL)
Offense
RT—Reggie White
RG—Seth Joyner
C—Mike Golic
LG—Jerome Brown
LT—Clyde Simmons
TE—Keith Jackson
HB—Keith Byers
FB—Andre Waters
WR1—Fred Barnett
WR2—Eric Allen
QB—Randall Cunningham
Ok, some defensive guys are going to have to learn to play O-Line. Something tells me Reggie White, Jerome Brown, etc. would get the hang of it.
The Elephant in the Room Any time you create an All-time NFL match-up, you find at least one Hall of Famer who suffered horribly in retirement due to the apparent effects of CTE. In this one, it’s Andre Waters, a ferocious hitter who committed suicide in 2006. It’s fun to imagine a make-believe world where football players can play without the risk of these consequences. Back in the real world, there may be hope that helmet of improvements can be made. But there are still plenty of obstacles.
The Nickname Battle WR2
The Bills—The Sack Man, The Therminator, Cornelius “Biscuit” Bennett, Andre “YAC” Reed (but only his coach called him that), Daryl “The Hammer” Talley. Not a bad group, but not exceptional.
The Eagles—Starship 12, The Minister of Defense, Dirty Waters, Teen Wolf (for Heath Sherman—didn’t make the Iron Man Squad but we have to count Teen Wolf) Plus bonus points for Keith “Whoah Nellie” Jackson!
Ok, fine. Wrong Keith Jackson. But even without “Whoah Nellie,” the nickname battle goes to Philly.
The Gameplans
Bills Offense vs Eagles D—The Bills have McKeller, so that they have the super glue that holds together the K-Gun machine. Expect a fast pace to try to tire out the ferocious Eagles pass rush. Machine Gun Kelly would try to get the ball out quick to Thomas and Reed and hope they both YAC a lot. Expect lots of Therminator runs too. Sweeps. Jet sweeps. Space ship sweeps. Even the occasional chimney sweep.
Eagles Offense vs Bills D—The Eagles would have some flexibility. Byers is more of a pass catcher than a runner, but he could tote the rock some. Also, Byers and Jackson could move around and maybe even show up in the backfield together to lead the way for Randall runs. And, in spite of not having a cool nickname like “Teen Wolf”, Fred Barnett did make the team. So If Randall can elude Bruce Smith (and there's some evidence that he can, which we'll get to), then he can buy time to get the ball downfield to Barnett and Jackson. On the flip side, the Bills do have a nice group of Linebackers (especially Jim Kelly) to try to run Randall down and cover Byers and Jackson.
And The Pudge Heffelfinger MVP Award Goes to... Starship 12. Finally, he uses his arm and legs to get some big game scores. And uncorks some huge punts. I think he might even read Jim Kelly’s eyes and get a pick too. And oh yeah, maybe he even does this.
The Prediction 20-19. Eagles. I feel for you Bills fans. But it’d be weird if you won.
