'07 Patriots vs '85 Bears: Iron Man Rules
The 2007 Patriots are the greatest team ever. To not win a championship. So what happens if the ‘07 Patriots decide to avenge the ‘85 Patriots Super Bowl XX loss to the Bears? Only instead of a bakeoff, they decide to invent time travel and play the ‘85 Bears in a football game. Benefitting from more evolved schemes, advanced training methods, and hotter cheerleaders, you’d have to have to like the ‘07 Pats chances.
But what if the Bears insist that this game be played under Iron Man Football Rules? Which was once a real thing, where you just played eleven guys on both offense and defense, with no subs. Who wins then? And does Tom Brady even get on the field? We’ll get back to that. But first let’s go over the ground rules.
First off, both teams get a month to train. This time could be used as a fat camp for modern lineman. Marvel movie weight-training for smaller, old school lineman. A chance for wideouts to learn to cover and for DBs to learn to catch. Rocky style beach sprints and chicken chasing cardio for all. And Tom Brady could even learn a defensive position.
But could he? What do you think Pats fans? Would you be better off just running some kind of option attack with Randy Moss, Wes Welker, and Kevin Faulk? It’s a legit question. But then again, what’s the point of having the ‘07 Patriots play in an imaginary game without their MVP?
Ok, what else? Oh yeah, since Iron Man Football would almost certainly create even more catastrophic injuries and concussions than already super-violent, present-day, football, it’s time to again thank the folks at The Wakandan Football Gear Company for their technological wonder twins—Vibranium based, shock-absorbing helmets and pads. Because let’s face it, without those two things, this would be a pretty ridiculous conversation…
Now let’s look at the Bears lineup.
Defense
DE – Dan Hampton
DT –Steve McMichael
DT—Refrigerator Perry
DE—Jimbo Covert
LLB—Otis Wilson
MLB—Mike Singletary
RLB—Richard Dent (moving from DE)
CB—Walter Payton
SS—Dave Duerson
FS—Willie Gault
CB—Matt Suey
Offense
RT-Dan Hampton
RG-Steve McMichael
C—Mike Singletary
RG—Richard Dent
LT—Jimbo Covert
TE—Otis Wilson
WR1—Willie Gault
WR2—Dave Duerson
FB1—Matt Suey
FB2—The Fridge
QB—Walter Payton (Legend has it he could throw the ball 60 yards)
Kicker/Punter—Walter Payton (Legend also has it he could kick a 45 yard field goal, punt 70 yards, and walk all the way across the field on his hands)
Kick Returner—Payton
Punt Returner—Payton
Guy Who Walks Across the Field On His Hands Before the Game to Intimidate the Other Team—Walter Payton
Tough Cuts: Jim McMahon (I could see him as a fairly legit Safety), Jay Hilgenberg (Pro Bowl Center), Wilbur Marshall, Gary Fencik.
Offensive Game Plan: Run the ball with Payton and make the Fridge a Super-Sized Slash. Use Fridge as a lead blocker. Hand him the ball. Throw him the ball. Let him throw the ball. See Fridge score. See Fridge dance. See Fridge gleefully spike the ball. Plus, let Sweetness throw a few moon balls to Willie Gault. That should be very interesting considering who’ll be covering him….(hint: He’s really fast and his name rhymes with Dandy Floss.)
Defensive Game Plan: Constant attack in the 46 Zone. The front 7 has 6 true defensive guys and an All-Decade Offensive Tackle named Jimbo. But they better get to Brady quick, with Gault, McMahon, and Payton in the secondary and (spoiler alert) multiple elite receivers to cover.
But wait? Is Brady even playing? The GOAT has to, right? But where do you put a skinny dude who runs a 5.28 40 on defense? But as long as he can tackle, it should be fine.
Uh…..Have you ever seen Tom Brady try to make a tackle?
The Patriots Line Up
Defense (playing the 3-4, because it’s what they know)
DE—Ty Warren
DT—Matt Light
DE—Logan Mankins
LB—Mike Vrabel
LB—Teddy Bruschi
LB— Tom Freaking Brady
LB—Rodney Harrison
CB—Assante Samuel
FS—Randy Moss
SS—Kevin Faulk
Kicker—Wes Welker
Punter—Mike Vrabel
Returners—Moss/Welker
Guy Who Walks Across the Field On His Hands Before the Game to Intimidate the Other Team—Not sure. But not Tom Brady.
Tough Cuts: Dan Koopen (Pro Bowl Center), Vince Wilfork (Pro Bowl DT), and Tom Brady…oh wait. He made the team! And is playing Linebacker! Which is probably not the GOAT of ideas!
Offensive Game Plan: Try to protect Tommy and let him sling it. Throw it to Moss. Throw it to Welker. Swing it to Faulk. Toss it to Vrabel. Mix in a run every 10th play. If Tommy gets tired and put Faulk, Welker, and Moss in the Wishbone and make a wish that Moss gets outside and hurdles a guy.
Defensive Game Plan: Whatever the hell Belichick comes up with. Oh yeah, there are coaches for this thing. You don’t think Belichick would getting into scheming for this? He shut down the ‘90 Bills. Surely he can shut down the ’85 Bears with Walter Payton at QB. But hiding a guy who tackles about as well as a crash test dummy attending a fantasy camp will be Belichick’s greatest challenge ever.
The Prediction…But First The Nickname Battle:
The nickname battle is always fun, but never an actual indicator as to the outcome of the pretend-game. Until now.
The Bears: Samurai, Mongo, Sweetness, The Refrigerator, and Danimal.
The Patriots: Tom Terrific!
Even if we throw in Bruschi, a real name that should be a nickname, the nickname battle is blow out win for the Bears. And it’s a harbinger…
Because not even the brilliance of Belichick can overcome the slowest, worst tackling linebacker ever. Somehow the Bears just keep pounding the ball over to Tommy’s side. And when the Pats are on offense, the Bears consistently get through and smash Brady, even on 3 step drops. For some strange reason, the Pats never go shotgun. Moss yells. Brady screams. But Belichick almost seems to smile.
It’s all so weird, if you didn’t know any better, you might almost think maybe Belichick hates Brady so much, and has for so long, that he's designed the perfect gameplan to get Brady crushed—and he doesn’t even care if he takes the L. Because he knows he can lay all the blame on the defensive WOAT. And this time, maybe that's even sweeter than winning.
Final Score: Bears 46. Patriots 10.
Walter Payton., demonstrating that bad asses don't need good fundamentals.