The Movies of Marty Blazer: A One Scene Play

So we’ve watched “The Scheme” on HBO. We’ve heard the incredibly damning Sean Miller and Will Wade wiretaps. And we’ve generally puzzled over how the hell financial adviser/con-man Marty Blazer was able to Jedi Mind Trick the FBI into letting him walk. But one big question remains: Were the movies that Marty stole money to finance, you know, worth it? Sure, it’s a high bar for art to be great enough to justify theft. But in this case, I for one am willing to say the theft was…not justified. Hell no! Not these damn movies!

The following dialogue between Marty B and an FBI Agent is inspired by true events.

Agent Zero: We got you Marty.  We know you were forging signatures to sneak money out of your clients’ bank accounts. So you could finance action movies.  

Marty:  You seem a cultured man Agent Zero. Surely you must understand how important it was to get these films made.  

Agent Zero: Mafia starring Ving Rhames and Pam Grier? How inspired. Sounds like someone decided to rip off 90s Tarantino about 20 years late.

Marty:  Come on! We ripped off other stuff too! 

Agent Zero: A Resurrection starring Michael Clarke Duncan and….Mischa Barton? Wait, is that the girl from The OC?

Marty: I don’t know. Maybe?

Agent Zero: The IMDB plot summary:  “A murdered boy’s spirit seeks revenge by seeking six souls to live again.” That doesn’t sound so bad. Wait a sec. All the acts of violent revenge occur off screen?!  What is this? A revenge flick or a school play?

Marty:  It was a creative choice .

Agent Zero: More like a straight-to-DVD budget choice.

Marty: We had a limited theatrical release!

Agent Zero: These movies aren’t important Marty. You gotta go down.

Marty: Wait. What if I can give you something better?

Agent Zero: I don’t know Marty. What do ya got?

Marty:  College basketball players. Are getting paid money. To attend certain schools.

Agent Zero:  Oh my God. And you have proof of this?

Marty:  No. But I will once you give me tens of thousands of dollars to travel the country and bribe people with. 

Agent Zero:  Wow. You’d be willing to do that?  You’d actually be willing to let me give you money to bribe people into committing crimes just you can have a reduced sentence?  

Marty:  I guess I’m just feeling incredibly patriotic. Hopefully for you, that won’t change in the next few minutes.

Agent Zero: Stay right there! Let me run down to the car!  Where I keep my briefcases full of cash! 

Marty: Just make sure to give me a little extra. Because I’ve got a great idea for my next film:  Corruption reigns across the land. But most dangerously in college sports. Until a heroic FBI agent—strong, fast, sensual—saves us all. From a world where college athletes get paid money.  

Agent Zero: Just tell me how many briefcases you need.