'94 Rockets vs '94 Bulls (with Jordan) Part 2: How Bobsledding in the Winter Olympics Perfectly Sets Up Jordan's Basketball Comeback

October 6, 1993, In The Parallel Universe. Michael Jordan announces his retirement from the NBA. And says all the same things he does in our universe. Which means he doesn’t tell the world about his plan to bobsled in the ‘94 Winter Olympics. Then he escapes down to St. Kitts and Nevis on a private plane, pays his $125,000 for SK&N citizenship and settles into a pretty sweet beach house with a deck. The wife and kids are back in the Windy City, as you might expect. So it’s time to start checking out the island talent—and not just the bobsled kind.  

Michael also grows a beard that'd be perfect for a Rocky IV style training montage. For a Nike ad. For a game changing bobsled shoe the kids will go nuts over but hopefully not kill for.

Phil Knight doesn’t know exactly where Michael is. But thanks to his global network of ninja spies, he knows about Mike's bobsled dream. And he sees no reason to stop making Air Jordans. He wants the bobsled Jordans to have curled up toes and little bells on the ends. Like elf slippers.

But here’s the problem, Michael may have the training beard, but he’s only using it as a disguise. Because there’s not any training going on and The World even doesn’t know he’s here. The laid back island life agrees with him, the beach and the ocean and the breeze. He smokes a lot of cigars and drinks lots of rum. He snorkels and goes deep sea fishing. He entertains the occasional guest and plays Anita Baker records for them. And did I mention that beach house?

Would you be motivated to learn an obscure winter sport if you were livin' like this?

Remember that Olympic bobsled thing? It ain’t gonna happen. Since the Jamaican Bobsled Team bet with Patrick Ewing about making the Jamaican team got called off, the motivation is gone. But then Phil Knight shows up.

Phil arrives at Mike’s crib the same time as Jamaican Bond Villain and his crew. Phil takes care of MJ’s sizeable Lint/Fan/Cat debt—over Michael’s objections of course (“Don’t pay that guy shit, Phil. That fucking cat woke up!”).  But Phil and Jamaican Bond Villain bond—they talk best places to buy volcano island homes—Phil even owns a few himself. But after JBV and crew bail out, Phil lays into Jordan for looking blimpy. Is he even really doing this bobsled thing? Does he even have a team? Jordan doesn’t care. You can’t make Michael Jordan do something through threats. Or shame. But as I'm pretty sure you know by now, what you can do is make him a bet.  

Phil Knight bets Michael he won’t compete in the Olympic bobsled for St. Kitts and Nevis. If Jordan wins the bet, he’ll get to spin off Air Jordans into its own brand. Which will be called….Jordan Brand. If he loses, they’re putting out the sled-shoe Jordans with the bells and shit. Michael says you’re on! It’s the day after Thanksgiving 1993. Time to do work.

Tim Grover brings a squat rack down to the island. Then it’s squats and sprints, squats and sprints. They even a do this new thing—altitude training plyometrics in a hot air balloon.  After an exhaustive search, Jordan picks out a bobsled teammate, a bland but telegenic soap extra and jumping jack world record holder from the islands named John Johnson. Or is it Jack Jackson? It’s not important. Anyway, they go to the Austrian Alps to do some sled runs. And Michael and Joe—or John, or whatever—watch a ton of bobsledding highlights together.

The government of St. Kitts and Nevis gives its approval for Michael to represent. Why wouldn’t they? The Fédération Internationale de Bobsleigh et de Tobogganing is a little more reluctant, but Phil Knight makes them an offer they can’t refuse.

Now the word is out and the ad campaign is on. Michael and that other dude do Top Gun cosplay and say “I feel the need…the need for speed!” Time to fly away to the danger zone. Then we see dubious footage of the pair getting some extreme air. Bo Jackson pops in and says “Bo don’t know that.” It’s pure gold. Parallel Universe Me orders 5 pairs.  

Some of the footage used in the Nike ad was dubious. But people loved it.

Michael and Jake head to Norway for The Games. They don’t do so hot, but it looks like they might slip past American Samoa for 39th place and hey! That’s something you can build a marketing campaign around! But then….the fiery crash. There’s talk that it’s because MJ was reckless. Dangerous even. Jordan is miraculously unscathed. But it looks like what’s-his-face may never to able to extra or jack again. It's especially tragic when you consider how much jacking meant to him. There are also questions about where the hell the fire came from. What, did they have an engine in that thing? And if so, is that even cheating in bobsledding? Or just trying way too hard? Jordan is somehow both the laughingstock and the monster of Lillehammer. Tonya Harding is mostly ignored.  

Jordan’s going to want to fly back to the beach house. Take a few days. But then he’s going to need redemption. So he starts listening to Anita Baker records. Because, as with any normal human being, that music’s going to get him excited to play basketball again.

Soon the beach house is filled with the sounds of “Giving You the Best That I Got.” Maybe a little “Sweet Love.” MJ’s getting ready. Bobby Knight may not like it. But Michael Jordan’s getting his game face back.

So stay turned, stay turnt for Part 3, where we’ll talk about those meddling Knicks, the rest of the Eastern Conference, and….The Bulls versus themselves. Then, assuming the Bulls make it (spoiler alert—I like their chances), we’ll get to Part IV, the Rockets vs Bulls breakdown and outcome--a roman numeral level event. That Jordan/Vernon Maxwell matchup looks spicy.