Dreaming of a Perfect Stargategate

Every scandal, major or minor, real or imagined, gets a “gate” stuck at the end.  It’s the law. But what if the Democrats had been broke as hell in ‘72?  And couldn’t afford to have their party headquarters at the Watergate Hotel? And the broke down Dems got broken into at the Red Roof instead?  Think about it. Russiagate and Pizzagate and Deflategate would be Russia Roof and Pizza Roof and Deflate Roof.  And the infamous Roofgate scandal would be known as Roof Roof.  It would all sound ridiculous. But we’d be powerless to call them anything else.   

So what are the odds I’ll get to see a Stargategate in my lifetime? First, we must answer the question of what a Stargategate would actually be.  

The most awesome Stargategate would a be a scandal about the creation of a traversable intergalactic portal.  It would involve secret construction. Authorized by only a handful of people. A contract awarded to somebody’s nephew.  Shoddy labor. The potential annihilation of all living things. And strippers.[1] But lesser stargategates must also be considered.  Theoretically this could be a scandal about anything named “Stargate”, be it a sports car, porn star—wonder if there's a Samantha Stargate—or an older apartment complex in a rapidly gentrifying area desperately trying to seem cool.

One lesser stargate sorta already happened. That would be the CIA’s Stargate Program, which ran from the late 70s to the mid 90s. The Stargate Program was about using psychic abilities for spying. The book and movie “The Men Who Stare at Goats” were based on it.

I wanted to better prepare for this blog by watching the movie, but I couldn’t, because Kevin Spacey is in it. So then I was going to read the book to prepare, but I couldn’t. Because Kevin Spacey is in the movie.

Had we known about the CIA Stargate Program at the time, the scandal would have been that the CIA was spending money to astrally project psychics to ancient Mars. It was perfect! But we missed it.  I mean sure, National Enquirer readers must have known, but the rest of us were oblivious.  And now it’s too late. So unless one of my subscribers[2] has some intel that Stargate didn’t really shut down in 1995, I think we have to let Men-Who-Stare-At-Goats-Gate go. And set our eyes on the ultimate Stargategate prize.

So now we must assess the critical question:  how close are we to creating an actual stargate?  Not at all. Because while stargates are consistent with the laws of physics you do still have to stabilize a wormhole to be able to pass through it, which requires negative energy. And while quantum field theory does allow for energy to be arbitrarily negative at a given point[3], you would need a practically infinite amount of arbitrarily negative energy to achieve the stability required[4].

Well damn. Guess I’m gonna have to check out the refurbished luxury suites over at Stargated. Fortunately, based on personal experience, I'd say there’s a pretty good chance they’ll have rats. So alert the media. We might just have us a mini Stargategate. Which is cool. But let's not settle. We must never give up on our big ol’ Stargategate dreams.

[1] How about Male strippers. And female strippers. A Stargategate for everyone!

[2]  Coughing

[3] Just like my ex

[4] I can give you her number. She could really help.