The 46 Zone: a Fantastical Birthday Cake
There’s nothing cool about non-round-number birthdays after age 30. They’re just lame reminders that Father Time is that much closer to defeating you. Unless you, the birthday haver, take it upon yourself to make your age-iversary into something inspiring. Something that says “Father Time's gotta lose some time. So it might as well be me.” So I give you, for my birthday number 46, The 46 Zone: a Fantastical Birthday Cake.
The cake is football field with 46 candles, including 11 on offense and 11 on D. The offense is 5 receivers, quarterbacked by the Grim Reaper with Darth Vader and Thanos split out and a pair of ghouls and a phantasm inside. The O line is Orcs, all crouching in a 2 point stance, except for the left tackle--he's standing upright, arms crossed in a B-Boy stance. He seems extremely confident.
On the other side, the ‘85 Bears. Lined up in (obviously) The 46 Zone. Mike Singletary. Mongo McMichael. Wilbur Marshall. Richard Dent. William The Refridgerator Perry. And Dave Duerson is good to go.
Sitting on one goal post—a bearded white guy, the birthday boy--me. Sitting on the other Goal Post is…The Devil. Red with goat horns and a goatee. Smiling. Looking sure of himself. Did he not see the ‘85 Bears play?
Beyonce and Jay-Z are standing on the sidelines along with various Kardashians, Jenners, and Targaryens. Also, Will Farrell and Mark Wahlberg, Kate Beckinsale and Selma Hayek. Dr Ruth Westheimer, LeBron James, and Rodney Dangerfield are sitting on a couch next to Ed McMahon with Johnny laughing at the desk. Father Time is holding a clipboard on one sideline and Mike Ditka and Buddy Ryan are punching each other across the way. it's OK. They both just want to win so bad.
Arc Angels hovering too. They look concerned, probably because the ‘85 Bears are defending my eternal soul and we're running 8 in The Box against a spread offense. But trust me. This is my 46. We got this.
Except I'm being told that a cake made to these exact specifications will cost about $675.
Thinking a few cupcakes with “46” on them would also be fine.