Post Malone and The NBA-Players-Whose-Games-Were-Not-At-All-Hip-Hop Rap Name Generator
Name Generators are an essential tool for today’s rap artist. These machines are typically 18 feet tall, 80 feet long and use 150,000 watts of electricity. But they’re worth it and have given us important artists like Childish Gambino and Post Malone.
Childish Gambino was a name generated by a Wu-Tang Generator, possibly The Wutari 3600. Post Malone was likely generated by The NBA-Players-Whose-Games-Were-Not-At-All-Hip-Hop Rap Name Generator, though it’s impossible to know for sure.
Austin Richard Post actually says his stage name has nothing to do with Karl Malone. I guess I believe him, but I just can’t shake the idea that The Mailman is the basis. After all, Karl Malone is almost as famous for playing in the post as he is for really liking farm equipment. I admit, it’d be weird for a guy who put out the song “White Iverson”[1] to be a huge Mailman fan. Weird, but not impossible—I mean, there’s gotta be at least one person out there who loves Cardi B and Kenny G.
Or not.
But since I can’t get the “Post Malone” and “Karl Malone” connection off my mind, here are some other rapper names from the NBA-Players-Whose-Games-Were-Not-At-All-Hip-Hop Rap Name Generator.
Biff Laimbeer—For the villain type rapper who just wants you to hate, a mashup of the bully from Back to the Future and lead-footed Pistons punk Bill Laimbeer. Who doesn’t fantasize about punching them both? So let’s live vicariously through Robert Parrish. Was it a cheap shot? Oh yeah. But what comes around goes around.
Chief Parrish—Remember when Robert Parrish dropped Bill Laimbeer? If it's already been too long, here it is again! I admit the name generator didn’t have to work too hard to come up with this one—Robert Parrish’s actual nickname was “The Chief”[2], but “Chief Parrish” sounds more like a rapper (or how ‘bout “Parish Chief for a NOLA rapper.) Either way, it'd sound cooler than Robert Parish’s not-that-cool looking but highly effective game.
Lo English—Denver Nugget Alex English got buckets, lots of them, mostly in a polite, low-key type way. Not at all hip-hop, but somebody still went and made a highlight mix set to to Xzibit. Should have gone with Marvin Gaye, El DeBarge, or Sade. Or maybe “Killing Me Softly.”
Fishscale Vandaway The name Kiki Vandeweghe sounds like a Vegas showgirl, but prime Kiki was hustlin' like every day. His stationary mid-range game was gangster.
Dimes Stockton—the perfect name for a short shorts wearing Post Malone hype man.
Jerry@Trick Scalabreeny—Childish Gambino's elderly cousin. But Jerry@Trick Scalabreeny is really just an excuse to link to this. If you watch to the end, you get to see Brian Scalabrine absolutely murder some Average Joes.
No Trip Puke Uh—Kelly Tripuka put up points, but it’s hard to explain exactly how. Was his ‘stache that distracting? He looked kinda like John Oates, but his game was more REO Speedwagon or The Cars. Back when he played, you could give ‘em 56 just like this.
Tripuka sounds like a Star Wars language dis. It could be the name of Greedo's loser brother or just some shit Jabba the Hutt says to someone right before he feeds them to that big sand fish lookin’ thing. Or Tripuka could be slang for someone who goes out and can't hold their liquor. Trippin’ and pukin'. A specific type of scrub. Kelly Tripuka was no scrub. But “No Trip Puke Uh” seems like a positive thing to be.
[1] AKA the official tribute song for videos of Mac McClung for the next eight years. Do these exist already? They must, right? Just like some enterprising youngster must have spliced some Zion Williamson dunks with footage of Morpheus shouting out “Zion! Hear me!” (This would have been the perfect Stuart Scott catchphrase for Zion highlights)
[2] Based on the character from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest