Snitches Give Pitches: How a Scam Artist Movie Wannabe Got The FBI to Investigate College Basketball
Remember that story from 2017 about how all the big college basketball programs were all paying players and it was going to end college basketball as we know it? Well, it hasn’t happened. Sure, Rick Pittino got banished to Greece and some assistant coaches like Chuck Person could wind up in jail, but all and all, it seems like March Madness is going to be ok.
However, there is an upcoming trial that could shake things up. Christian Dawkins, the guy at the center of the Addidas-Louisville scandal is scheduled to go to court in April.
He is expected to present a scorched earth defense: “Why am I in trouble for bribing with all the other bribing going on?”
Arizona Head Coach Sean Miller, LSU Head Coach Will Wade, and others could be asked to testify. Since this story is all about pay-outs to Adidas schools, Coach K (Team Nike) probably won’t be subpoenaed, but I’ll hold out hope that he gets dragged into court Colonel Jessup style and winds up saying “You’re goddamn right I did!” when asked if he paid Zion and Kyrie and Jayson Tatum.
So how the hell did we even get to this point? Sure, college basketball is super-shady. Why wouldn’t it be when it generates billions of dollars, none of which goes back to the players? But what does the FBI care?
It all started with a guy named Marty Blazer. He was an investment manager for pro athletes. Speaking of shady….
The following dialogue between Marty B and an FBI Agent is inspired by true events.
Agent Zero: We got you Marty. We know you were forging signatures to sneak money out of your clients’ bank accounts. So you could finance action movies.
Marty: You seem a cultured man Agent Zero. Surely you must understand how important it was to get these films made.
Agent Zero: Mafia starring Ving Rhames and Pam Grier? How inspired. Sounds like someone decided to rip off 90s Tarantino about 20 years late.
Marty: Come on! We ripped off other stuff too!
Agent Zero: A Resurrection starring Michael Clarke Duncan and….Mischa Barton? Wait, is that the girl from The OC?
Marty: I don’t know. Maybe?
Agent Zero: The IMDB plot summary: “A murdered boy’s spirit seeks revenge by seeking six souls to live again.” That doesn’t sound so bad. Wait a sec. All the acts of violent revenge occur off screen?! What is this? A revenge flick or a school play?
Marty: It was a creative choice .
Agent Zero: More like a straight-to-DVD budget choice.
Marty: We had a limited theatrical release!
Agent Zero: These movies aren’t important Marty. You gotta go down.
Marty: Wait. What if I can give you something better?
Agent Zero: I don’t know Marty. What do ya got?
Marty: College basketball players. Are getting paid money. To attend certain schools.
Agent Zero: Oh my God. And you have proof of this?
Marty: No. But I will once you give me tens of thousands of dollars to travel the country and bribe people with.
Agent Zero: Wow. You’d be willing to do that? You’d actually be willing to let me give you money to go bribe people into committing crimes just you can have a reduced sentence?
Marty: I guess I’m just feeling incredibly patriotic. Hopefully for you, that won’t change in the next few minutes.
Agent Zero: Stay right there! Let me run down to the car! Where I keep my briefcases full of cash!
Marty: Just make sure to give me a little extra. Because I’ve got a great idea for another movie: Corruption reigns across the land. But most dangerously in college sports. Until a heroic FBI agent—strong, fast, sensual—saves us all. From a world where college athletes get paid money.
Agent Zero: Just tell me how many briefcases you need.