The Feds Take On Fake Athletes and Other College Admission Schemes
If you’re thinking about doing any bribing, hold off. Because the FBI has been cracking down HARD. First, they took on payoffs related to college basketball and now they’re going after rich parents bribing their kids into school. So definitely no college-related bribes. I’m serious. Even that RA you’re thinking of slipping fifty bucks to look the other way while you throw a jammy jam might be a fed. So you better ask them first. It sounds crazy, but take it from me, Middle Aged Social Media Influencer Guy—there’s this product I’ve gotten amazing results from called sodium pentothal. You have to try it.
Speaking of social media influencers, some of the biggest names in this latest scandal are Lori Loughlin and her daughter Olivia Jade. Olivia Jade is also a member of The Club—and is even more influential than me if you can believe that. Don’t get me wrong, I think the exfoliating goop that I push is the superior product. I just don’t have the You Tube views to back me up.
It’s tough for me to compete because YouTube will always be Olivia Jade’s # 1 Passion. How do we know this? “YouTube will always be my number #1 passion” she tweeted in February.
I want to be that passionate about YouTube. But I care about too many frivolous things so much more.
The Olivia Jade scandal involved $500,000 to get her a fake rowing scholarship. Some of the money was used to make pictures of her rowing and to forge all the essential high school rowing star documentation (fake photos, press clippings, highlight videos set to Skrillex). And some of it went to USC athletics officials to get them to give her a scholarship even though they knew she couldn’t row an inflatable dolphin across a deep puddle.
Still, faking excellence at an obscure, unwatchable sport like rowing seems like a smart move. I mean there’s way less of a chance of a creepy old weed dealer like Roger from Training Day showing up and blowing up your spot—"I follow all the good rowers. And I’m sure I’ve never seen your face except in a You Tube video about laugh line filler cream..”
But Olivia Jade still got caught. Because rowing was a thing at her school, so everybody knew. How you gonna pretend to be a rower when you don’t even show up on Sundays when they pick up teams and row full lake?
Felicity Huffman and William H Macy did something different They paid $15,000 to get someone to either take their kid’s SAT. Or to change the score. People aren’t sure which.
People are also unsure if this Felicity Huffman is the same Felicity Huffman who was on Desperate Housewives, or, by some weird coincidence, William H. remarried a different person with the SAME EXACT NAME. Because WOW! That’s a LOT OF PLASTIC SURGERY!
Theory #2: That is the same Felicity Huffman, but she had to enter the Witness Protection Program and get facial reconstructive surgery to hide her identity. Only she insisted on keeping her name, arguing that there was no WAY IN HELL anyone would believe that could be the same person, no matter how many red carpets she showed up to with William H.
And if Theory #2 is right, shouldn’t she not be bribing people? I mean, committing crimes that get reported on in People Magazine is probably the one thing the could make the bad people go “Holy shit! That really is the same person.”
Anway, I think we all owe the FBI a great big thank you. I mean sure, they can’t really do anything about the Jared Kushners of the world having their dads “donate” a couple million around admissions time. And sure, pretty soon college bound rich kids are going have all the best focus drug and cybernetic enhancements money can buy. And they’ll either out-concentrate us on standardized tests or just battlebot their way into to schools of their choice. But at least for now, while the FBI cares, the college admissions process seems slightly less screwed up.
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